In introducing myself, I feel that I
should begin by explaining that I believe that we are only victims by choice.
That is not to say that many of us, if not all of us, have been victimized at
some point in our lives.
My name is Kim. I am a 316-pound,
thirty-six-ish-year-old mother, stepmother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt,
friend, and Paralegal. I was born and raised here in Salt Lake City and
graduated from Olympus High School.
I cannot think of a time when I did not
feel that I was overweight and unattractive, with the exception of my early childhood. This is not something I spent much time
dwelling on growing up. I was too busy
enjoying friends, and life. I began to
embrace, early on, being the girl with a good personality. I felt it suited me, and still does. I love
to have a good time, and if I could publicly ignore my weight, maybe others
would, too. Was I destined to be this 316-pound
woman? I guess it’s possible. Is this something I was “blessed” with because
God knew I could handle it? That could be possible, too. Mostly, I am 316
pounds because of the choices I have made. As many of us know, addiction is
usually a symptom of a much deeper issue or issues. Food, my friends, is my addiction.
I grew up in a two-parent home, with
three siblings. We were taught
acceptance and the importance of diversity at a young age. My parents were foster parents for adolescent
boys, and from as early as I can remember until I was in seventh or eighth
grade we had anywhere from one to two fostered children in our home. I learned
through my parents’ example the importance of service and unconditional
love. Unfortunately, there was also a
down side to having these boys in our home.
At the age of three or four I was molested by one of my foster brothers.
I have never felt that my sexual abuse
defined my choices or who I was. In fact
I rarely think about, and rarely thought about it growing up, but I can’t deny
it happened or that it does not contribute to my emotional baggage.
The rest of my childhood was fairly
uneventful. I enjoyed school and enjoyed
being involved in school activities and sports.
My senior year in high school I had my first boyfriend, and my first
kiss. He was my best friend and we were inseparable until he left to serve an
LDS mission in 1996. We wrote the entire
time. When he left for his mission I
weighed in at about 260 pounds. I had
gained about 75 pounds since graduating high school in 1995. After he left I discovered Phen-Fen. I lost approximately 60 pounds. I looked and felt great upon his return in
1997. We were engaged three months
later, and married three months after our engagement. It was a happy life for me. I was married to my best friend. He finished up his degree at Westminster, and
began working for a wireless company where he did very well. He is a hard worker and worked his way up
pretty quick.
We were given the opportunity to move to
Eugene, Oregon, and were thrilled. In
the meantime I had an ectopic pregnancy that nearly took my life. It was random and we kept moving
forward. I struggled to get pregnant
after that, but we found hope in a reproductive endocrinologist who was able to
pinpoint the problem and felt that with medication we would be likely to
conceive. Eighteen months later we moved
from Eugene, Oregon to Spokane Valley, Washington. We continue to fall in love with the
Northwest. I continued working with a
specialist in Spokane, and after one more miscarriage we were pregnant with
twins! We were beyond thrilled. We had
been married eight years. In Spokane, I
began working out with a trainer and really being accountable for what I
ate. I dropped from 340 pounds to 275
pounds in the 2-½ years we had been out of Utah. I continued exercising until the doctor told
me it was time to take it easy. My water
broke at 29 weeks and the Twins were born at 2lb 10oz, and 3lb 1oz. They spent seven weeks in the NICU, where I
spent my days and evenings. Their strength was unbelievable. They have thrived and are as healthy as can
be. The month after the Twins came home
we moved to Denver, CO, with a two-month layover in Utah while our dream home
was being completed. We officially moved
into our Castle Rock, CO home in October of 2007, six months after the twins’
birth. I slowly dropped some of the baby
weight and was doing fairly well.
In March of 2008, my husband of ten
years, and love of my life for fifteen years told me he was gay. The feelings are inexplicable, still. The feelings of sadness for him and the
struggles he must have been dealing with for so many years, trying to do what
he felt he was supposed to do just broke my heart. I was faced with true fear and sadness for
the first time in my life. I had so many questions and spent hours reeling
through my memories of some kind of red flag or something I must have
missed. I came up with very little. It took two weeks for me to figure out what
this might mean, and to discover his boyfriend.
Let me tell you something, being cheated on was more devastating to me
than discovering his homosexuality. This
was the most traumatic thing that had ever happened in my life. I packed up my life, with the help of my
babies’ physical therapist. As soon as
the moving van left, I hugged him goodbye, loaded the kids in the car, and
drove to the Denver airport where I picked up my dad. He brought us home. I don’t recall shedding one tear on that long
drive until we drove down 3300 South and stopped at Dan’s for some baby
formula. I walked in and there was a
table of LDS books for sale at the grocery store. I lost it.
For some reason I realized at that moment I was back in Salt Lake and
had no idea what was going to happen.
In August of 2008 I went back to school
and graduated with my BS in Psychology.
We barely made it through the divorce process without strangling each
other. I found a love and frustration
with the law and divorce. I wanted to be
able to help others through the difficult process of divorce. I began studying for the LSAT and applied to
law schools all over the country. I got in! Not in Utah, but I got in! I was
thrilled. I had chosen a law school in
Naples, FL. I accepted their offer and
paid my seat deposit. About that time I
reconnected with an old friend from junior high who had also gone through a
recent divorce. We began dating and I
began feeling less and less comfortable with my decision to move us to
Florida. I decided to stay, not knowing
what the future would hold for my career.
I was recently married to my old junior high friend, and am now a
step-mom to his three children. Life is
a challenge everyday, but I love the idea that it is not what happens, but how
we handle it. It seems odd that I have
been able to really focus on how I respond to adversity, but in that time I
have gained 75 pounds. I guess I have
reason, but I have better reason to take control and really make this work for
me. When your five-year-old children are
beginning to be more concerned about your weight and health than you are, it is
time for a change. I’ll be honest I’m
really scared. I am afraid of failing,
and afraid of letting go. This blanket
(and pillows) of fat has sadly been comfortable for me. Food has been my safe place. I am ready for
change. I have a wonderful support system in my family and now in DASH. Here we
go . . .
